Monthly Archives: November 2012

27Nov/12

“Everybody Hates Me!”

Zach with his bags packed ready to leave home.

Recently I’ve been having a bit of trouble with my youngest son, who is 5.  One minute he’s the most loving, thoughtful and happy little boy, and then suddenly he can change into a crazy ball of dynamite hurling punches, kicks and hateful words at anyone who is in the area. I know that all young children can switch their mood at what we adults think is the slightest upset, but he has always had more of a tendency to declare that he hates his family, is leaving home, and packing his bags, than my eldest two.

At first I put it down to his personality – he was just different, perhaps more independent, maybe more fiery, than his siblings. But then he started saying he didn’t want to go to school.  He would refuse to get in the car, or get out of the car at school, but I knew that he actually loved it when he was there.  He always talked about what he had done at school, he loved learning and ‘working’ in school more than many 5 year olds do, and the teachers said he seemed happy, and had many friends.  It was really hard to see him obviously upset about something, but not knowing what it was, and how to help him.  And then when he wrote to Santa and said ‘I rile need a noow famlee’, it broke my heart. We are a loving family and are always telling him we love him, and giving him cuddles, playing games with him, etc.  Why was he feeling like this?

Last week as he was telling me again that the reason he didn’t want to go to school was because there were bullies and he had no friends, it finally dawned on me what was happening.  I realised that he believed that whenever someone disagreed with him, or was mean to him, or told him off it meant that they hated him.  So when that happened he went into attack mode to protect himself.  After talking some more it became clear that where his friends at school were concerned, if they had been mean to him once then it meant that they hated him forever.  He now thinks that one of his best friends hates him because he pushed infront of him in the dinner line.

Given that this little 5-year-old spent most of his day with other 4, 5 and 6-year-olds at school, and then with two older bossy siblings at home, and a mum who is a control freak about behaviour, then there was no wonder that he wanted a new family and a new school.

So, since then, we’ve been talking to him about how friendships and families work. That we can get angry,or grumpy and do things that are a bit mean and selfish to our friends, or even do things by mistake, but that doesn’t mean we hate each other. It happens in all relationships – especially when young children are still learning about friendships and controlling their impulses. It’s difficult to know how much he is taking in because he is still focussing on a couple of ‘small’ incidents at school as evidence that other children hate him.  But I think if we keep telling him we love him (I also try to say this while I am telling him off or when I’m defending myself from his punches, but I don’t always manage it!), and not take his anger personally, we will in time help him to see disagreements and arguments as part and parcel of school and family life.   And maybe he’ll eventually stop packing his bags and leaving home quite so often!

19Nov/12

Daring Greatly or Stretching Too Far

On the Chrissy B Show discussing Perfectionism

Two weeks ago I was invited to talk about perfectionism on the Chrissy B Show on Sky TV.  At first I was flattered, then I was excited, then I started to get scared.  I said yes, because it’s a topic close to my heart, made plans, then seriously wished I hadn’t.

As my inner gremlins set about me I began to feel worse and worse. I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t concentrate on the children. I was in meltdown. Completely overwhelmed by stressful emotions, it certainly was a weird few days. I thought I knew what was happening: I was just scared about doing something new, about being vulnerable and ‘out there’ with the potential to look foolish or rubbish in front of other people.  I endlessly rationalised: it will be ok, and if it isn’t that’s ok too. I’ll learn from it and I’ll still be loved by those who are important to me. I told myself that it would be fun to see a working TV studio, great to meet new people and a change from my normal life. I knew all this so why did I still feel so bad?  I ‘should’ be able to deal with this.

At other times I tried to convince myself to cancel, but my pride wouldn’t let me and I knew that in the long run it was a positive thing to do. But I found it difficult to justify much of the time. I’m all for pushing my boundaries, but to feel sick with nerves for a week felt like too much of a price to pay. Too much for my children to pay as well, since it was their mother who was away with the fairies one minute and snapping at them the next.

Gradually it became clear to me that the reason I was so scared and worried was because the situation was something I was not in control of, and because of that, I couldn’t guarantee that it would run smoothly.  These – I suddenly realised – are my two big perfectionist ideals. I was also ‘shoulding’ myself too much:  ‘I should be able to deal with this.’  I ‘shouldn’t let this affect my family.’  Being aware of why I was feeling so bad, made me feel a lot better.  Understanding yourself really does go a long way to improving the situation.

Last Monday I got the train to London and appeared on the show.  And, actually, it was fun, and I really enjoyed myself. The presenter, producer and other guests were lovely, friendly and interesting people.   I wasn’t half as nervous on the day, perhaps because I was living it rather than thinking and planning for it in advance.

So what’s the lesson here? Mainly that feeling bad is not all bad, because if we allow them to, negative emotions can teach us so much. It also strengthened my belief that my family is the most important thing to me.  Being successful professionally is very important to me, but will never take priority over looking after my young family.

On the way home, I was proud of myself for getting out there and giving it a go.  It didn’t go horribly wrong.  And at the end of the day, I’m still the same person, still worth the same as every other human being on the planet. I had just been lucky enough to add another new experience to that journey called life.

If you are interested in watching the programme here it is.