Category Archives: Family

23Oct/13

I’m not a fish!

How many times do you find yourself reacting to the people around you or the circumstances you are in as if you are on autopilot and have no choice how to behave?  And how many times do you notice this has happened after the event, rather than during or even before?

Very often? Yes, me too.

Our habitual emotional responses are triggered many times each day, and personally I’m not happy about it! Reacting automatically often means that I act in a basic, selfish, uncivilised kind of way, as if my intelligent, rational self has been bypassed.  I respond like a child or chimp would.  I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes over and over again, but I find it really hard to stop myself.

Here is a tip that I was given by an amazing woman who definitely lives life to the full. When you feel yourself being pushed along by your emotional reactions, or pulled into a fight by someone else, say the following mantra to yourself and take control of your response.

“I’m not a fish!”  “I am not a fish!”

Let me know how you get on.

29Mar/13

What They Didn’t Tell Us About Parenting.

Does it sometimes feel like you are the only person who struggles with the whole parenthood thing?  Why don’t our miraculous ‘bundles of joy’ bring us the happiness we thought they would?  Why don’t other parents talk about how hard it is?

Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman felt the same way.  Below is their funny and honest TED Talk which ‘exposes 4 facts that parents never, ever admit — and why they should.’

I watched this about 18 months ago and after the laughter, let out a huge sigh of relief that someone else was talking about these things that I wanted parents to talk about.

Enjoy, and let me know what you think by commenting below.

Many Thanks,

Thea

http://ted.com/talks/view/id/1036
14Mar/13

I’m in Charge!

Do you ever say this to your children?

I'm in charge

Most of us grew up being told  ‘Because I said so!’  either in words, or in the tone and meaning behind the command.  I knew my parents – especially my Dad – were in charge.  Yes, I had arguments with him in my teens, where I tried to explain my point of view but in the end, what he said was adhered to most of the time by my brothers and I.

Over the last year or so, I’ve resorted to telling my children (sometimes in a loud voice, otherwise known as shouting)  explicitly that ‘I’m in charge.’   I tell them that they can talk about decisions and rules they don’t like with me at another appropriate time, but when I tell them to do something, they have to do it – because I’m in charge. It’s my job to look after them, and I know best, so do as I say. Now!

A few short years ago, I would have been shocked that I would ever use this approach.  I was all for explaining the situation, discussing their fears, opinions and emotions, taking their imput into family rules and decisions.  I still am.  But at the right time.  I’ve come to realise that at some moments (sibling arguments, doing chores, stressful, busy or dangerous situations, for example) talking and explaining are not appropriate.  Clear instructions and discipline is.

I don’t enjoy it. It feels wrong.  It upsets them, and it upsets me.  It makes me feel like a heartless dictator.  But just because something is hard and uncomfortable, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.  So often the doing the ‘right’ thing is also the harder option.  Kids need boundaries and strong parents, and I believe within a loving, supportive and emotionally intelligent family, blind obedience is appropriate at some times. (Well I believe it mostly – part of me still questions that if I was a better parent would I need to do this?)

So anyway, I’m writing about this because I used this phrase this morning.  I’m tired and jetlagged and I probably went from zero to 60 too quickly, and I probably shouted to loudly and rudely, so there is a sour taste in my mouth.  I don’t feel good about it. I need to remember to be calmer next time.  But overall, I think it is something that my kids need to understand, and be reminded of occassionally.

What do you think?  Please comment below.

11Jan/13

My 2013 Family Project

This year I am running a Family Project.*  I will be researching and creating ways to teach, model and coach my children about core values (kindness, respect, gratitude etc.) and life skills (setting meaningful goals, dealing with their emotions, taking responsibility etc.).  I am hoping that this will contribute to a more harmonious family life as well as setting my children up with the habits that will help them have a happy and successful life.

I know some of you may be thinking ‘Isn’t that what parents do anyway?’ And you’d be right. Most of us do.  Everyday we model and teach the values that are most important to us.  But I’ve found that in our busy lifestyle, I am not teaching my children about the most obvious things because I expect them to ‘know’ it already. Or sadly – and I’m sure I’m not alone in this – we say one thing and do another and our children get mixed messages.  How many times have you shouted at your children “Stop shouting! Show some respect!”  Another example: I was talking to my youngest son before Christmas about friendships and forgiveness. And I realised that this was the first time I’d ever mentioned it to him. He thought that when a friend was mean to him, that was the end of their friendship. He didn’t realise forgiveness was an option, and he took any friendship disputes very personally. Obviously we model forgiveness at home, and I say sorry a lot to my children (after one of my tantrums, or grumpy moods) but we’d never discussed the concept openly.

I also think that in my case, I am so busy looking after 3 children and establishing my own business, that teaching and focussing on the children gets over looked. It doesn’t seem urgent. We’ve got dinner to make, rooms to tidy, homework to do, clubs to go to, arguments to settle, emotions to deal with.  We can talk about forgiveness, or patience, or setting goals tomorrow, or when they are a bit older. But my eldest goes to secondary school in September – I’m running out of time to teach him everything I want to teach him to help him survive the harsh, cruel world of high school. ( I know, it will be great for him, but I’m also a bit scared.)  I’ve wanted to do this kind of parenting ever since I became a mum, but I’ve never made enough time for it. I’ve done bits and pieces here and there (family meetings, workbooks for the kids, my early attempt at a family project*) but I was never consistent enough.  This year, I am being brave and saying no to other things that have seemed more important.  I am saying no to some exciting plans for my business (they can wait til 2014) , I am saying no to taking the easy life (putting the telly on, not exercising, going to bed too late, putting it off til tomorrow), I am saying no to alcohol (in Jan only!) and saying no to my perfectionist need to be in control (as much as I can…). I am also saying no to acting like a child myself. It’s time I grew up and learned to control my own emotions and reactions like I’m expecting my children to.    These are very big no’s for me and I am sure to slip up time and time again. But this year I will keep focussed and keep going for the sake of my family.

The most important thing about parenting for me (after keeping them safe and well-fed) is to equip my children with knowledge, skills, practice and habits that will enable them to accept and deal with their and other people’s emotions in a mature way.  It is a hugely important idea to me.  It’s time I stopped thinking about it and just did it.

*Those of you with good memories will know that I started my family project in the summer of 2011, but it fizzled out so I’m resurrecting it again, and focussing on it for the whole of 2013.

FireworksFamilies