Tag Archives: Brené Brown

21Apr/16

Vulnerability feels like Sh*t!!

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Last week I had a meltdown. A perfectionist, beat-myself-up, my-life-is-doomed type of meltdown. It wasn’t pretty.  I said horrible things about myself that I’ve never ever said in front of my children. I kicked and threw things around the kitchen, slammed doors, shouted and ranted about the house like a spoilt brat.

It was triggered by a sudden, intense vulnerability hangover, and compounded by my tiredness and inability to effectively deal with the shame and anger that came with it.  Under the force of my shame-ridden ego I crumbled and allowed it to run amok through myself and my family.

You might be wondering what a vulnerability hangover is and why it can cause such a reaction?

A vulnerability hangover is Brené Brown’s term for that strong feeling of shame and fear that completely envelops you after you have been brave and vulnerable and open and honest and shown yourself to the world.

Brené Brown describes it as:

“the feeling that sweeps over us after we feel the need to connect… and we share something deeply meaningful. Minutes, hours, or days later, we begin to feel regret sweep over us like a warm wave of nausea.”

Watch Brené discuss her own vulnerability hangover here with Oprah.

In my case I had just sent out a personalised email to 15 women from my network who I admired and respected, many of them friends.  I had offered them ‘first-dibs’ on a new pilot coaching programme I am creating which is to be the first step in my (very meaningful to me) life’s mission of spreading compassion around the world – starting with helping women create a strong inner trust and confidence in themselves.

I wanted to connect with these women. I was sharing ideas that were important and incredibly meaningful to me. And due to the nature of email, I had no immediate feedback on how (or if) these women would respond.

So a few hours later the wave of nausea swept over me and fear kicked in.  My whole body was screaming: ‘What the hell have you done!?’

And my ego took over.  My poor, terrified, protective ego decided it needed to defend itself against this attack on it’s identity and existence.

But because you can’t attack shame without putting it under a very big spotlight and talking about it to others, my ego started attacking everyone within shooting distance: me and my children, and later my husband.

My ego fought as if it was fighting for it’s life – that’s the power of shame. Shame threatens to cut us off from others. It threatens disconnection. We are programmed to seek connection and belonging, so much so, it is now becoming understood that disconnection and even the fear of disconnection are the drivers of addiction and mental illness.

It is possible to practice shame resilience and get better at dealing with these vulnerability hangovers and ego hijackings.  And I was somewhat practiced myself at doing this.  However, I had recently come back from a 2 week family holiday and was still feeling jet lagged, out of my routine and generally not strong enough emotionally to deal with a massive shame attack.

So instead I succumbed.  What was I ashamed of?  Of being judged, of those wonderful women thinking that I thought they needed help from me, of asking for money, of daring to dream of a world where everyone was kind to themselves and kind to each other. Who the hell did I think I was!???

And what made it worse was the anger that came with it.  This anger, sparked by fear, crashed through our house like a storm.  It was unexpected and shocking.  It allowed all this bad stuff, these bad, cruel, vicious words to stream from my mouth with such ease, without a care for their affect on my children. Even though I had heard those words before – when previously I had felt these things – I had NEVER said them out loud.  I had never let my children hear those words of self-hatred and doom that I used to feel so often. Why did they come out now?   I don’t know exactly, but some of the reason could be that I have recently had my marina coil taken out, and have stopped taking antidepressants – so my hormones have free reign!  Ha! Is it worse to have a cocktail of chemicals running  amok inside me, or my own unique blend of hormones having a party?  Ask me in 12 months when my hormones have (hopefully) settled down whether this is the ‘real me’ or just the withdrawal symptoms of stopping chemicals that mess with my body, brain and mood.

But what I do know is that as shocking as this meltdown was, it made me realise that these occasions don’t occur with regularity anymore (and with such ferocity) because I’ve trained myself to be more mindful and conscious of my emotions and triggers.  Four or five years ago this was more common, and I used to call it Falling into my Black Hole of Doom.

Yes, I’m more hormonal now, but I was also physically and emotionally tired, and due to our holiday was out of the practice of nourishing myself so I could withstand the onslaught of these emotional attacks.

Another thing that has changed is the speed with which I recovered from this ‘episode’.

During it I alternated between resisting the anger and accepting it.  I was attached to the emotions – I totally believed that I was shit and my life was completely doomed – but also the next second was aware that if I just let the emotions pass through me everything would feel better tomorrow.  It was a new and weird feeling to me because during my previous meltdowns I was never aware of what was going on. I was completely on board with all the emotions, believing them completely. There were THE TRUTH.  This time I got glimpses that there are not the truth and so I didn’t need to resist them so strongly.  They could not harm me because they were not true.

That evening I watched 6 hours of Jane Austen.  This is how I know I was in a bad place. Jane Austen productions are my go-to escapism when I’m in my Black Hole of Doom – like Brené and her Downton Abbey marathon.

So, why am I sharing all the gory details with you?  What’s the point of this story?  Well the main thing is that although vulnerability – being brave and open – feels like shit, it is so worth it.  It is what makes us grow. Despite the fear of disconnection, vulnerability is actually what connects us deeper to others.  It is what makes us human. It signifies that we are daring greatly, prepared to take risks to follow our dreams, or to be the person we are, to be seen, to do the things that are deeply meaningful us – and that enables us to have deep meaningful connections with others, which is what we all long for.

That’s why it’s important to share this.  I don’t want you to like me (shit, yes I do, but that’s obviously not my motivation for sharing my flaws).  You might even judge me for having no self-control and shouting at myself in front of my children.  But the important thing is to be honest and talk about shame, because shame can’t survive out in the open.  We all suffer from shame, and we need to talk about it.  Shame resilience needs to be part of our vocabulary.

So, here’s one woman doing just that.  Care to join me?  If so, please comment below, or, if the vulnerability is too much email me to share how this resonated with you.  Create those connections, put the spotlight on shame so it can’t survive.

Thank you for reading.

 

p.s. Here’s a video I made after my vulnerability hangover/shame attack.

 

22Mar/13

The Power of Vulnerability

TED Talk:  The Power of Vulnerability – Brene Brown

http://ted.com/talks/view/id/1042

This was the first TED Talk I watched.  It blew me away.  Not only is it funny and entertaining, Brene’s message is urgent and powerful for all of us.

Please comment below about what you thought and how you reacted to her talk.

Many Thanks,

Thea

06Oct/12

Celebrating the Ordinary

This week I was in London to hear the wonderful Brene Brown talk about vulnerability. I know…it doesn’t sound that exciting. It even sounds a bit scary, especially when she adds words like shame into the mix.  The reason this is scary for us is that it is all about our primitive human emotions and behaviour.  We all experience them but we don’t really want to know about them, and definitely don’t want to talk about them. However, it turns out that understanding shame and vulnerability are key to living a happier life.

Brene talked to Roman Krznaric from The School of Life  about the ideas in her latest book Daring Greatly, which looks at how allowing ourselves to be vulnerable transforms us and enables us to live a full and connected life – what she calls ‘wholehearted living’.  She is a fascinating and funny speaker, getting her ideas across in such an simple relatable way, yet with the authority of 12 years qualitative research and data collection.

I’m familier with Brene’s work as I have read her two previous books, which continuously help in my journey towards overcoming perfectionism. There were many ideas in her talk this week, but the thing that stood out for me most was the idea of how many of us aim for the extraordinary at the expense of the ordinary in our lives. It is great that human beings aim high, that we have amazing qualities that enable us to achieve great things, like imagination, drive, compassion  and creativity.  But the question is:  do too many of us forget about the treasures within the ordinary moments of our lives because we are too focused on being or creating the extraordinary?  Brene illustrated this in two ways.

Firstly she talked about working with a group of parents who had lost adult children in the 9/11 attacks in New York.  When asked what they missed most, every one said they missed the ordinary, everyday things that they did with their children. This ties in with all the articles I’ve ever read where people talk about missing  a loved one who has died.  They miss the laughter, a certain mannerism, being able to share things, even the annoying and irritating habits they had, and the fighting.   All simple ordinary things.

Secondly she talked about her current trip to London (she’s from Texas).  Her 7 year old son has been picking up the UK lingo  and  using new words and saying things he wouldn’t normally say. Brene explained that being in London has been a great, exciting and fun experience with loads of great memories, but what she will remember most is an ordinary moment when a beloved 7 year old said something funny.

08Apr/11

Perfectionism: A definition.

Brene Brown, shame and perfectionism researcher. Visit her blog at www.ordinarycourage.com

Today I am going to share Brene Brown’s definition of perfectionism with you.  She talks about ‘shame, judgment and blame’ as being the emotions that perfectionists want to avoid and which drives their need to seem perfect to others.

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.

Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception – we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable – there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying.

Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right.

Feeling shamed, judged, and blamed (and the fear of these feelings) are realities of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience these painful emotions and often leads to self-blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because “I’m not good enough.”

01Apr/11

Who wants to be a Tibetan Monk?

The idea of responding appropriately to my emotions has always haunted me. Why can’t I control my temper? Why do I get so frustrated and irritated with my children – who I love and cherish with all my heart? 

I heard a story the other day about a monk who was an experienced meditator and who – while having his head covered in electrodes to measure his brainwaves – did not flinch when a bomb went off.  How amazing, I thought. How fantastic that he can control himself and his emotions like this. Why can’t I master the art of not automatically reacting to everything?

But then I thought…. Do meditating monks have children? 

If I had spent 20 years meditating on a mountainside my automatic emotional reactions would probably be different too.   But do I want that?  To be frank, No. I’d rather be an imperfect mother than a perfect monk.

The thing about perfectionism is that it makes you want to be something or someone else.  It makes you feel like you are not good enough already as you are.  So we try to be something else in order to be perfect and only then will we be worthy of love and respect. 

But the real answer lies in accepting ourselves now. With our faults and our bad moods and our crazy idiosyncracies.  This is who we are and the only way we will ever be happy is to accept it.

So I am learning to accept that it’s ok to lose my temper sometimes, and that it’s only natural that I get frustrated with my children. It does not mean that I am a bad mum or that I don’t love them. And it’s also ok to want to improve and control my temper more. It’s just that I need to do it in a realistic way, not by beating myself up because I don’t have the serenity of a Tibetan monk.

14Mar/11

Because You’re Worth It.

Do you ever think you’ll feel better when…you’ve lost weight? written that book? earnt more money? got your dream job?

Ever wondered why you feel like this?

It’s because you don’t feel worthy enough already. Yes, Worthy Enough.  Do you think you are worthy enough already?

When I considered this question recently, my first thought was: ‘Of course I think I’m worthy enough already.’ My confidence and self-esteem goes up and down but generally I’ve always had a decent enough regard for myself.  It didn’t seem that feeling worthy enough was a problem for me.  Not having enough time to get all the things I wanted to get done seemed to be my problem.

I’d been reading ‘The Gifts of Imperfection‘ by Brene Brown and as I read on, I realised that perhaps I didn’t think I was as worthy as I thought I did. I began to ask myself the following questions:

  • If I believe I am worthy enough already why do I feel that my day is only successful if I ‘achieve’ things each day?
  • If I believe I am worthy enough already why do I feel I need to prove to people that I can be a successful businesswoman / coach / writer, not to mention a perfect mum?
  • If I believe I am worthy enough already why do I feel I have ‘failed’ at so many things?
  • If I believe I am worthy enough already why am I constantly striving to change myself?
  • If I believe I am worthy enough already why am I worried about what other people think of me?

Brown claims that the difference between people who live a wholehearted life (i.e. people who are truly happy) and those who don’t is their belief that they are enough, already.  In other words they don’t have to prove anything. Instead they are brave and open and vulnerable and connected and they believe they are worthy. She says:

“Here’s what’s truly at the heart of Wholeheartedness: Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.”

Now I might be putting myself out on a limb here but that hit me hard. I realised for probably the first time in my life that perhaps this constant striving to improve myself and my life weren’t admirable qualities with a hint of perfectionism, but actually signs that I don’t think I am worth enough as I am. Do I think I have to change myself to be worthy?   Perhaps the reason that I never have enough time to do all the things I want to get done is because I want to prove too much?

What do you think? Can you relate to this idea?  I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please comment below. I want to know if it’s just me…

p.s. I know the photo at the top is too dark, but I’m fighting my perfectionist urges to redo it because I have lots of other stuff to do.  I am trying to be brave and allow myself (and my post) to be imperfect.

02Feb/11

Whare did all the Time go?

I’ve realised I’ve got a problem with time.

I am almost paralysed by fear that I might not choose the best thing to do in the time available to me.  I am constantly thinking about how to best use my time, what can I do to be most effective, to be most productive, to achieve the most. Which things do I want to achieve in the time I have this week?  What is the most important thing for me?  Should I put my family and children’s interest first – are they more important? Or should I put my business first because obviously if I’m happy with work, then I’m a happier and better mum and wife.  The constant choices I bombard myself with are never-ending.  What should I do? Who should I be? What do I want to achieve?  What do I want to do? What is best? What is most important?

What I am really asking is:  When will I ever get there? When will I ever be good enough? Who do I even want to be? How can I create perfection? How can I feel satisfied?

Its exhausting. And needless to say, it doesn’t get me anywhere. It poisons my creativity and spontaneity and joy.  I am ground down by the supposed seriousness of the constant decisions I have to make on ‘the best use of my time’. I am always judging myself, and the choices I make.  I have to make the perfect decision. And I can’t. And its making me crazy.

So I’ve decided to stop striving.  I have just started reading a book by Brene Brown called The Gifts of Imperfection in which she says the difference between people who live a wholehearted life (i.e. people who are truly happy) and those who don’t is their belief that they are enough, already.  In other words they don’t have to prove anything. Instead they are brave and open and vulnerable and connected and they believe they are worthy.  So that’s my challenge for the next few weeks* – to remind myself that I am enough already, and that I don’t always need to make the right decisions and use my time perfectly to be a worthy person. I am one already.

*I think I meant to say ‘years’…

The Gifts of Imperfection