I’ve realised I’ve got a problem with time.
I am almost paralysed by fear that I might not choose the best thing to do in the time available to me. I am constantly thinking about how to best use my time, what can I do to be most effective, to be most productive, to achieve the most. Which things do I want to achieve in the time I have this week? What is the most important thing for me? Should I put my family and children’s interest first – are they more important? Or should I put my business first because obviously if I’m happy with work, then I’m a happier and better mum and wife. The constant choices I bombard myself with are never-ending. What should I do? Who should I be? What do I want to achieve? What do I want to do? What is best? What is most important?
What I am really asking is: When will I ever get there? When will I ever be good enough? Who do I even want to be? How can I create perfection? How can I feel satisfied?
Its exhausting. And needless to say, it doesn’t get me anywhere. It poisons my creativity and spontaneity and joy. I am ground down by the supposed seriousness of the constant decisions I have to make on ‘the best use of my time’. I am always judging myself, and the choices I make. I have to make the perfect decision. And I can’t. And its making me crazy.
So I’ve decided to stop striving. I have just started reading a book by Brene Brown called The Gifts of Imperfection in which she says the difference between people who live a wholehearted life (i.e. people who are truly happy) and those who don’t is their belief that they are enough, already. In other words they don’t have to prove anything. Instead they are brave and open and vulnerable and connected and they believe they are worthy. So that’s my challenge for the next few weeks* – to remind myself that I am enough already, and that I don’t always need to make the right decisions and use my time perfectly to be a worthy person. I am one already.
*I think I meant to say ‘years’…